Saturday, July 26, 2008

I really cried...

Today, July 27, 2008, is the Church's 94th founding anniversary in the country. As early as 4:00 this morning we headed to church for the Thanksgiving worship service. We finished the first worship service by 7:00 then went home for a quick breakfast. We went back to church after an hour for the last worship service for of the day.
So we dressed up (put on our toga and fixed our hair) and went down the main hall for the processional. Officers prayed and then walked to the designated posts and we, the choir, headed to the back pews in the main hall to sing the preparatory hymns and wait for the processional time.
While we were walking to the place, sisters before me stopped. I looked in front of them to inquire what caused the pause. This old lola was standing in the pew where we were supposed to sit. For order's sake, the choir is not supposed to be blocked or whatsoever. I was looking down and noticed that old lola was trying to move her legs so she could move to the other pew in front of her to give us a way. I understood her situation so I kept calm and waited as her apo (I think) lead her to that other pew. Seconds passed and we were still stuck. Old lola really couldn't move her legs and feet with white humble shoes on. Sister next to me hepled her but she couldn't help lola move either. As a brother gave them a hand, I looked up and saw lola's eyes. I can't describe what I saw in her eyes. Was is that she was sorry for unintentionally blocking our way, or could it be that she's sorry she wasn't able to move right away. Whatever it was, it pinched my heart badly that it really made me cry. The moment I saw her old and shy eyes, I sobbed. Couldn't stop it till she was sat in the nearest portion of the pew next to her. When I finally sat down, I still couldn't stop crying. I felt pain for her. I pitied lola. She shouldn't have felt embarrassed for that (if she really did and if what I saw in her eyes was right) because we totally undesrtood. It's really painful seeing her in that situation.
I was greatly affected with what I saw maybe because at present, my father is in almost the same situation. I'd say that papa is stronger than old lola. Papa can walk by himself, quicker than old lola. Papa is stronger still than old lola. But the reality and pain of seeing anyone in that situationis just the same - unbearable.
Another reason is that my paternal lola has been totally paralyzed for I think 2 or 3 years before she passed away. I was in 5th or 6th grade when that happened to her. I experienced talking and trying to understand what my lola was saying. I experienced massaging her legs and I saw them taking care of my lola.
One more thing that made me cry is my maternal lola. She is in the province right now, more than 80 years old, if I were not mistaken. She is left there in their house with my uncle and one of her youngest apos - Ivan. They are so unfortunate back there. I want to look after her and Ivan but I am financially incapacitated. I can't be with them because my source of living is here in the city and my family is here. My income is not big enough to support them other than my father.
My crying this morning means not just pity and sympathy for old lola. It means a lot a manifestation of how incapable I am. I wish I could overcome my limitations and incapabilities for the sake of helping - helping those who really need especially those whom I love so much. It always breaks my heart seeing old people still working and striving for a living like those old jeepney drivers still out in the street till late in the evening for extra income and those old vendors in the street. Whatever they do, as long as they're old and I see them struggling, I pity them so much and it makes me wish I could help them so they won't have to work anymore.